just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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