Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
