i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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