please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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