Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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