You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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