come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Fuck me I smell like cheese
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
