my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
