I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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