Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
