I've blown a few things in my day
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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