There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
