new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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