And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I checked into jail on foursquare
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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