You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
A+ Viking dick
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
