I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
