It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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