I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize