The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
