i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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