Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
