Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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