Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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