You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
