maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
