I am puke
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
