I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
