One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
