her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize