So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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