Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize