grandma shit on top of the toilet
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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