Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
