Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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