seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
