Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
