I hate your face
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
