When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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