Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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