I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
