i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
