On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
