My Higher Power is John Stamos
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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