Michael Bay diarrhea
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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