I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
