I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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