Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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