I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
