this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
