His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
