I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize