I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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