I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
