If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
