Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
not ubering you a puppy
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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