peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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