she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize