dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
